Snow

More. Snow. We've had over 75 inches of snow so far this winter and no sign of it stopping any time soon. I love the snow and the inevitable snow day, but I'm getting a little tired of having my plans canceled, missing friends, and missing so many hours at work. Come Hell or high water, Blake and I are leaving Boone this weekend to see our dear friends in Chapel Hill! I am so blessed by my friends - I miss you all and can't wait for this winter to end so I can get back to seeing you all regularly!!!

Secret Prayers

Earlier I posted the Gospel reading from our Ash Wednesday service. This particular reading made me think of so much - all in a few short sentences. Matthew 6:5-8 hits the nail on the head when it comes to confronting some of my religious prejudices and my prayer life. I hope to really meditate on it for the next few days.

5"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ⁶But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ⁷And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. ⁸Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

Matthew and I find it annoying when people pray and do kind works more to show others how holy they are than to actually worship God or do good. I often feel uncomfortable with public prayer because it is so personal and I feel so vulnerable. I feel almost cheap when I pray for the benefit of a group, trying to show everyone how thoughtful I am and cover all the right things. It makes me nervous (imagine how silly it is to be nervous talking to God! but then again, if it was just God, I wouldn't be nervous... but i'm off on a parenthetical tangent) and takes so much away from the experience because it's not just between me and the big guy anymore, and people can be so judgmental (myself included, of course).

Prayer is a private conversation between me and God and can be done through complete silence. Our Father knows what we need, what we want to share, long before we take the time to put the words together. It is the act of taking the time to give to God, spending time acknowledging him and listening, that is the most important part of my prayer life.

Ladders and Lent

Ash Wednesday
Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21
1"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. 2 "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.5 "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
16 "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 19 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I attended the children's service today for Ash Wednesday and it was a wonderful, unforgettable experience full of priceless moments that only children can provide. Before sharing our Gospel reading for the day, Rick asked one of the children what she prayed about and she responded "It's a secret." How appropriate! Rick was also cheerfully informed, by a four year old, that Rick found army crawling around the front of the church difficult because he's so old. Oh, children - PRICELESS!

At the begining of his sermon, Rick wanted to prepare the kids for the above icon, Saint John Climacus' "The Ladder of Divine Ascent" by explaining that it may be a little scary. One child pointed at the stained glass window to her left, a depiction of Christ on the cross, and said "is it that"? A little surprised by this astute little learner, Rick reassured her that it is not that scary. "Actually, that's probably the scariest thing we have in church, this is much less scary." The Ladder of Divine Ascent is a wonderful icon depicting, in most part, our spiritual journey to God and all that encompasses. It symbolizes the struggle of climbing and progressing in our spiritual lives despite gravity and the little demon-like creatures with pitchforks trying to make us stumble, slip, and fall. If you want to know more, Wikipedia does a pretty good job: John Climacus. This icon will be on display at my church for all of the Lenten season and I hope to pray with it more.

The children added so much and drew my attention to even the simplest things in our service that I take for granted. More on the reading later, I just didn't want to forget some of what those kids added to the day!

The Gift of Doubt

Last night, as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, a song from my childhood came back to haunt me. "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly would not stop playing in my head. Via my ADD brain waves, this led me to consider belief, faith, doubt, and certainty and all they encompass and mean to me. So often we are certain about things. I am certain that the snow outside my door is cold and white. I am certain that my car is red, my sweater soft, my intentions good. I doubt more than I am certain of and have decided that doubt is a true gift.

I doubt almost everything that I cannot see and touch for myself, and some that I can. I doubt other people's words, our expectations for that which is outside the boundaries of our solar system, whether or not leggings should ever double for pants, and occasionally, I doubt the divinity of the man Jesus. Doubt is not, in my vocabulary, meant to be confused with disbelief. Without some doubt, though, is there room for faith? If we are absolutely certain about something, do we cheat ourselves out of the ability to have faith in that same something? That sounds all very convoluted when I read it back. There isn't really an easy way to say it yet; how about this:

What a gift is faith. We don't have to KNOW anything about God, the nature of the universe or man. We aren't weighted with ultimate knowledge and understanding. We don't understand how the world works and God's role in it - and this is a good thing! I don't know exactly what God's will for my life is - but I have faith that the "desire to please Him pleases Him." I don't KNOW that Jesus is the holy son of God, but I have faith. What amazing weight is lifted off of our shoulders with the unburdening truth that we just don't know everything and we're not supposed to. We weren't made to and we don't have to. We can cherish our doubts and have faith. We don't have to embrace the certainty that often leads to judgment and condemnation. (For example, if I'm certain my car is red, and a lady in the parking lot says it's purple, I'm pretty sure that on some level I'm judging her as either color blind or crazy.) We are called, instead, to live each day the best we know how. To love one another and care for this beautiful world. To continue in a pursuit of knowledge but to maintain that constant doubt that allows us to be humble, wrong, and faithful.

I was reminded of doubt and uncertainty and how that translates in worship this past Sunday in Fr. Rick's sermon. He said that "Praising God on a Sunday morning acknowledges so much: life as mystery, God as good, our own limitations and dependence on a power greater than ourselves. When we make this simple act of coming to worship on a Sunday morning we are doing a radical thing. We’re admitting we don’t have all the answers and must stay humbly oriented to reality. We’re acknowledging that we need help, each other’s help, and the help of our mothers and fathers in the faith. We’re carving out a time, a moment in the week, when we orient ourselves,together around a table, around a common meal, sharing a common prayer."

I'll leave you with one of my favorite prayers...

Thomas Merton's Prayer
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"


*"To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways; we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation." Oswald Chambers
*Added Feb 17, 2010

Hello World!

I'm curious how this will work. I had a blog, of sorts, in college and it was a good pre-facebook outlet for keeping everyone the loop on my life and mental status without having to fill each and every person in individually. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that's cheating, but it worked. Now, I just feel the need to write. I'm not really sure what this will be for or what it will turn into. It may be the newest (and most high tech) addition to my mostly empty journal collection. I'm going to try to start a habit of writing somewhat regularly. A friend of mine who's almost as much of a worrywart as me suggested that I sit down with myself every Saturday and take an hour alone to write whatever came onto the page. It may be spiritual, emotional, fictional, pictorial, rambling, or just plain strange... but I think it's a good suggestion to try out.