ice

There's something incredibly therapeutic about watching water drip down icicles. Welcome Winter...

Heavenly Grass

Heavenly Grass

My feet took a walk in heavenly grass.
All day while the sky shone clear as glass.
My feet took a walk in heavenly grass,
All night while the lonesome stars rolled past.
Then my feet come down to walk on earth,
And my mother cried when she give me birth.
Now my feet walk far and my feet walk fast,
But they still got an itch for heavenly grass.
But they still got an itch for heavenly grass.


Tennessee Williams

Marcus Borg

I was in desperate need of some spiritual stimulation and today produced plenty and more...

First was church with Father Bob at Wake Forest - The image of the full threshing floor from our reading today (Joel 2: 23-32) led to a sermon about the old ways of processing wheat, separating the wheat from the chaff. Around the threshing floor, there is a short wall to hold in the grain. The grain is tossed up over and over again and the wind, blowing across the top of the wall, carries away the bad stuff while the good falls back to the floor. Father Bob shared that sometimes he feels like one of those seeds being tossed up and down and is getting really tired, but the wind (often used to symbolize the holy spirit) blows across the top of that wall and carries off those things that interfere with the core of what we are/what God calls us to be. The anxieties, worries, fears, imperfections are not who we are, they are what weigh us down - and God tosses us up and down and the holy spirit wind strips it away from us. We can access that wind through prayer and time with God.
Father Bob also taught us all a breathing prayer inspired by the gospel reading today (Luke 18:9-14). As you sit, breath in and think "Jesus, Son of God" and as you exhale think "Have Mercy on me, a sinner" over and over and let God carry away everything else.


Disorganized notes from hearing Marcus Borg (an incredible Episcopal theologian and one of the Jesus Seminar Scholars), and my reflections afterward

Reading (Matthew) law of love, that first and great commandment God told us to love Him first, and to love each other.

What does it mean to be a Christian - To love God and to Love what God Loves

What does God love?

God so loved the WORLD that he gave his only son

God loves the world

and not the world as it is, but as it can be.

(Robert Frost "Has a lover's quarrel with the world" and maybe that's true of God, of us, as well)

God doesn't just love you and me - or people who think like me, or even just "human beings," but the whole world and everything in it.

As we were leaving, I realized that Marcus Borg didn't use Jesus to define Chrisitanity - many would define Christianity as the Followers of Christ - do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior? Do you believe that Jesus Christ is the only begotten Son of God? Born of a virgin Mary? yadda yadda yadda

Love God, and Love what God Loves (aka, the world)

According to Borg, that is what it means to be Christian

This message is what Jesus was teaching - but is there a difference between defining oneself as a "follower of Jesus" and one who "accepts Jesus as the Son of God"

If someone who loves God and Loves what God Loves is christian - muslims, jews, etc can all be considered christian... takes away all that junk that isn't essential. was mary a virgin? was Jesus divine? Is there a heaven? Hell? Devil? Is homosexuality a sin? What is the relationship of the trinity? Have you been "saved" are we all saved? Do we need saving?

Love God and Love what God Loves

i love it.

Still Water

Still water, can you reflect my spirit like the sky? Show me my self, my color, my light. Show me my path like the sun's, shimmering ahead to the other side.

Still water, can you teach my soul your peace? Ripples come and go, but you somehow keep them on the surface. Everything dissolves away into your greater stillness.

Still water, can you give my life your depth? From murky darkness to glorious light, you have a place for all things. Birth, life, death, and decay, you embrace it all.

Still water, can you inspire my heart to reflect God's glory? Your mirrored face can reveal the world. Your beauty, a reflection of the world around you, a shimmering play of color and light.

Still water, be blessed.

You have a Job to do, Soul

Just some food for thought from Gregory of Nazianzus

To His Own Soul
You have a job to do, soul, and a great one, if you like:
examine yourself, what is it you are and how you act,
where you come from, and where you are going to end,
and whether to live is this very life you're living, or something
else besides.

You have a job to do, soul; by these things cleanse your life.
Make me know God and God's mysteries.
What was there before this universe, and why is this
universe here for you?
Where has it come from, and where is it going?

You have a job to do, soul, by these things cleanse your life.
How does God guide and turn the universe:
or why are some things permanent, while other things flow away,
and us especially, in this changing life?

You have a job to do, soul: look to God alone.
What was my former glory, what is this present arrogance?
What will be my crown, and what the end of my life?
Of these things inform me, and check my mind from wandering.
A job you have to do, soul: lest you suffer in deep trouble.

-On God and Man; The Theological Poetry of St. Gregory of Nazianzus

Night

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

by Wendell Berry

Communion

I was a chalice bearer at church today - I always like being a part of communion, even if I'm terrified that I'll drop and break the pottery chalice or spill red wine on someone's Sunday best. A woman today came to the alter, just like everyone else, but she was weeping and a tear fell into the communion cup. What a perfect moment. It reminded me of why I love communion so much.

A New Favorite Prayer to Share

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;
Give the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis
it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.

This poem (a "final analysis" prayer, putting things in proper perspective) is engraved on the wall of Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta. Evidently it is a revision, either by Mother Teresa or someone else, of an earlier poem by Kent Keith. She liked the revised version, and put it on her wall.

Sermon Luke 13:10-17

Luke 13:10-17 (New International Version)

A Crippled Woman Healed on the Sabbath
10On a Sabbath Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues, 11and a woman was there who had been crippled by a spirit for eighteen years. She was bent over and could not straighten up at all. 12When Jesus saw her, he called her forward and said to her, "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity." 13Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.

14Indignant because Jesus had healed on the Sabbath, the synagogue ruler said to the people, "There are six days for work. So come and be healed on those days, not on the Sabbath."

15The Lord answered him, "You hypocrites! Doesn't each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or donkey from the stall and lead it out to give it water? 16Then should not this woman, a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has kept bound for eighteen long years, be set free on the Sabbath day from what bound her?"

17When he said this, all his opponents were humiliated, but the people were delighted with all the wonderful things he was doing.




Anne Clark

Luke 13:10-17

22 August 2010

I like rules. Generally, I am a rule follower. I like organizational charts, handbooks, and a clear chain of command. It gives me an out – a way to do the right thing without being completely accountable or responsible for my actions. I’m sorry, Ma’am, but it’s the rules. In college I sat on student judicial council that governed residential & social life on campus. I remember one case in particular that left all of us on the council in an ethical bind. During breaks, students were not allowed to have guests in the residence halls. The dorms were mostly empty and it was for the safety of the students not to have strangers in the building when there may only be one person on a hall to run to in an emergency.

One spring term, we had a case where a student was turned in for having a guest in her room on Easter Sunday. When she came in for her hearing, we were expecting to hear her case, give her the precedent punishment, and go on to the next case. When she came in, she told us that yes, she was guilty of breaking the rules, and she was prepared to accept whatever consequences that required, but that this Easter marked the death of her parents, and her brother had driven all night so that they could be together that day. It was the coldest Easter we had seen and they were waiting in her room for the sunrise service in God’s Acre, a service they attended their entire lives as a family.

Well. The standard punishment that we had just given last three offenders didn’t seem quite right here. How could we give this girl a month’s social suspension, including the spring formal, and ten hours of community service? At the same time, she did in fact break the rules. Do the details make such a large difference?

I wonder if this is the ethical dilemma in which the synagogue leader found himself in when Jesus healed the woman from our Gospel reading today. The law clearly states that one must honor the Sabbath and keep it holy, focusing your time and energy on that day to God. It’s not the law itself, or following it, that is a problem for Jesus in this story. But what part of healing a suffering woman through the authority and love of God is wrong? Instead of arguing against Jewish law, he argues within it, using the example of caring for one’s oxen. If one can work enough to untie one’s beasts and lead them to water to ease their thirst, how is it any different for someone to be healed of their suffering and pain on the Sabbath day?

Whistling in the Dark by Frederick Buechner frames this idea well. He writes: “Jesus said that the one supreme law is that we are to love God with all our hearts, minds, souls, and our neighbors as ourselves.” On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets” (Matt 22:40)… The law against working on the sabbath is an example found in the Gospels. If it is a question of whether or not you should perform the work of healing people on the Sabbath, Jesus’ answer is clear. Of course you should heal them is his answer. Obviously healing rather than preserving your own personal piety is what the Law of Love would have you do. Therefore you put the lesser law aside”.

How often do we get caught up in the rules and forget that people come first? It takes infinitely more energy, discernment, and patience to take every situation on it’s own terms instead of following a rule book.

Perhaps the synagogue leader was genuinely horrified that Jesus broke Jewish law because he was so committed to the sacred laws. Possibly, the leaders of the faith were uneasy with Jesus’ growing influence, ideas, and popularity and were grasping at straws in order to discredit him. Either way, it’s hard to imagine anyone witnessing such a dramatic healing of a suffering member of the community and not be overwhelmed by awe and joy.

I remember last week, when we laid hands on Bill Marr in the chapel after the ten o’clock service. How powerful, spiritually rich, and emotional that experience was for everyone present. God was there when we gave Bill our love, our support, and our prayer. We called on God for his protection and healing. And Bill, kneeling in the chapel, found the ability within himself to accept all of that support and love from his community and God, facing the reality of his situation and the knowledge that no matter what, it would all be okay.

Imagine what it might have been like to sit there in that sanctuary and watch Jesus call forward one of your own, one who you love and who is suffering. She isn’t named but for eighteen years she was in pain, becoming more and more crippled by her disease. She didn’t beg Jesus to heal her, she didn’t run to him the moment he arrived. She came to worship with her community and when he saw her, he called her to him. He freed her from her pain and suffering. Do you think he even paused to consider whether or not it was the “right thing” to do based on what day of the week it was? He loved her, as he loves each of us, and he healed her, right then and there so she would not suffer any longer.

Jesus challenged a lot of rules in his life and ministry. He spent time with tax collectors, women of the street, and others who were outcast by society. He healed on the sabbath. He followed the law of love, which trumps all other laws. People matter more than rules. People matter more than programs, or politics, or power. There are so many rules that we accept because we don’t really want to spend the time and energy struggling within ourselves to discern the right path. We use them as a crutch every day, without even knowing it.

At camp this summer, we committed ourselves to asking “why” as we began planning, executed training weekend, and went through the session. Why do we pair counselors and campers the way we do? Why do we train counselors for two days? Why do we have a curfew? Why do we do the same activities every year? Why do we have so many lead counselors? an endless litany of why?

We challenged ourselves, our rules, and our traditions and we were rewarded by one of our best camp sessions ever. There was new energy, new growth, and a place for new people to come and offer their gifts and talents.

It is wonderful that we live in an age and place where we are able to question the laws that govern our civilization and our personal lives - socially, politically, within the business world and the church. In Jesus’ day, working on the Sabbath day was a big deal. Today, our big deal issues are a bit different. Within our society we are actively discussing and debating many big topics - racism, abortion, homosexuality, immigration, war, health care, education, homelessness, the environment. I’m not here to offer my opinion on any of those hot button issues, but I think that most people would agree that these are not so simple as to have a clear answer or solution. Even within our own modern church – the greater Anglican Communion and here in Boone - we are engaging in new discussions and prayerfully considering many of these topics.

As tumultuous and divisive as these conversations can be, I’m glad that we are having them. We’re questioning a great deal in the world. Sometimes we do these conversations justice by engaging in a healthy dialogue of mutual respect and appreciation. Sometimes we, like the synagogue leader, get focused on precedent and stick too closely to the safety zone of the rules and, at those times, we may find these conversations more difficult.

Whether we are making decisions on a college campus, in a political system, in a church organization, or in any other aspect of life - it’s okay to ask why. It’s good to disagree - it means that we are discussing the issues and discerning a new right path... As long as we can remember to follow Jesus’ example and keep ourselves focused on loving and taking care of people, not systems, organizations, political parties, or laws, we’ll be just fine.

August Newsletter Article

Dear Friends in Christ,

While away on vacation, Cyndi has offered me yet another wonderful internship experience by allowing me to contribute to this month’s newsletter. I’d like to start by saying THANK YOU for being so welcoming and kind. If any parish knows how to welcome with arms and hearts wide open, it has been you. Discernment is a wonderful experience, but it can also be a vulnerable one. You have been supportive, making this internship feel comfortable and safe. Just last Sunday, I was able to preach my first sermon (since a Youth Sunday sermon my junior year of high school) with a calm heart, surprisingly anxiety free, because I knew that your smiling faces were in front of me.

Last Saturday, I sent off our J2A pilgrims and their leaders into the beautiful and deeply sacred scenery of the southwest. What a treat to be able to participate in such a service - a spiritual focusing, a blessing, and a gentle reminder to keep God in the forefront of their minds throughout their journey. I made a pilgrimage, of sorts, with my mom while in college and it was an unforgettable experience. We spent about three weeks in January driving from Georgia to California in her little Mazda Miata. To give a purpose to our road trip, I earned school credit by performing an independent study on Native American spirituality and religion. We made very few concrete plans before we hit the road and just enjoyed a meandering exploration of our country. The parts of that trip that I remember the most are the times when we were practically struck dumb by the sheer presence of the sacred in the desert. Whether looking out at the snow covered mesas,or hiking on a trail surrounded by old petroglyphs scratched into stone, God was there.

There are so many distractions in life and I sometimes forget just how good it feels when I consistently tend to my relationship with God and remain aware of His presence in the world. When I manage to keep a grasp on the presence of the Holy Spirit, it is supremely rewarding. Those memories I cherish most tend to be enhanced by my memory of God’s presence. I can’t think of them without a smile. I want those warm, spiritual memories for our pilgrims this week and they will remain in my prayers.

As I locked up the chapel and watched our pilgrims drive away to the airport - and again as I sit here on the deck surrounded by mountains, the valleys and blue sky - I’m reminded of a song we used to sing during Compline at summer camp. Here is the refrain, written by Lanny Wolfe, that is playing on loop in my head:

Surely the presence of
the Lord is in this place
I can feel His mighty
power and His grace
I can hear the brush of
angels’ wings
I see glory on each face
Surely the presence of
the Lord is in this place

I hope that as life settles into it’s fall routine, we all carve out some time to sit and witness God’s creation and all of it’s glory. The beauty of this world is a great gift, let’s enjoy it.

Love in Christ,
Anne Clark

Last Night living in Boone

Blake and I are sitting on the couch watching Heroes while our laundry runs downstairs. I'm trying to do as much around here as possible so that Blake isn't left with all the chores when he leaves later in the week. There is still some packing and organizing to do - i have one last stitch to make on the quilt top, and then that sewing machine needs to be packed and returned to our old neighbor.

I've loved getting to know Boone, have a couple favorite restaurants, enjoyed hiking the blue ridge parkway, and made a few amazing friends. All that being said, I'm not really mourning this move. Boone has always felt temporary (especially now that we've been out of our apartment)and, even though Winston Salem is no less temporary, it'll be nice to be back in a town that feels a little bit more like home.

Wrapping up Boone

My life has been consumed by the discernment process lately. My internship is exciting and busy with spurts of time commitments. It's like they occasionally forget I exist and then "Aha! We can have Anne do that - and this, and that..." and then, they forget again for another few days. Yesterday, I drove to Asheville for my first of three appointments with the diocesan psychologist for some personality testing and a introductory type session. I kid you not - question 5 - True/False - "I am possessed by evil spirits." I wish I had memorized more of the extreme questions to share with you but, alas, after over 350 true false scantron bubbles, I'm amazed I remembered how to get home.

This morning I met our J2A pilgrims at the chapel

and there it it, my newsletter just popped into existence. It began "This morning I met our J2A pilgrims at the chapel." This is why need to write more. I was struggling to write about camp - I still find it so incredibly challenging to write or talk about camp to people who've never been there.

more later...

Sermon on Luke 10: 38-42

Proper 11 Year C
18 July 2010


“She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!" the Lord answered, "you are worried and distracted by many things, but only one thing is needed.”

I get so excited when company comes to visit. I clean the house, prepare a menu, go to the grocery store, and spend hours getting everything ready. When I was growing up, it didn’t make much sense to me. “Mom! Why do we have to clean so much? It’s just grandma coming to visit!” In my adolescent years, I, basking in my wreck of a room, decided that it must be an image thing, a show that must be put on to maintain the fake constructs of our polite and impersonal society. It didn’t really matter what I thought or how I felt or how annoyed I was that I had to clean and do extra chores. In our house, you said “yes, mam” and you got to work.

In our Gospel reading, Martha graciously opens her home to Jesus and his companions. Jesus is traveling and teaching, ultimately heading towards Jerusalem and his death. From what we understand, Jesus relied on people like Martha to provide a place to stop and teach as he traveled. Because she cares about him, she and her siblings are close friends of Jesus, after all - and because she cares about his mission, she works hard to prepare her home for this special guest and wants everything to be perfect. Martha becomes overwhelmed with the burden of hosting because Mary, her sister, is neglecting her duty to help and is, instead, sitting in the living room hanging out with Jesus.

Can’t you just imagine how Martha felt? She probably would have loved to have been out there with everyone listening - she did invite Jesus into her home in the fist place , but since her sister left her alone with all the work, it is taking even longer. Standing all alone in the kitchen, angrily stirring the mixing bowl and thinking “why should Mary get to walk away from the duties of hosting but not me?” I can see how Martha, as she worked longer and longer, got angry. Can you imagine how mad, how justified Martha must have felt in order to march out in front of all those Jesus is teaching and publicly point out her sister’s failing? She pleads with Jesus - Don’t you care about me? Please, tell her to come help me! She’s left me all alone with the work! Martha, feeling very much the victim, expects Jesus to chastise Mary for failing to do her part. Jesus surprises her, however, and says this: “Martha, Martha” he soothes, calling her by name, “you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing.”

Martha was “distracted” - not just by her work, but also by her stress and her anger with Mary. She was distracted from that which is most important. There is need of only one thing. Forget the dishes. Forget the cooking, the cleaning, the preparations. Forget the fresh flower arangements, everything. Especially, forget the anger and resentment. There is need of only one thing.

We could come down pretty hard on Martha at this point. You have Jesus Christ sitting in your house and you are wasting your time with chores? Now that I have a place of my own for friends and family to visit, I can identify so closely with my mom and with Martha. It’s not just pride in one’s home, or the expectations of society that spurs on that need to clean and prepare and host. It’s caring for the ones we love, and showing them that love in the best way we know how. Our reading tells us that Martha didn’t just put up with Jesus’ presence, but welcomed him into her home. She honored Jesus with her invitation to stay and use her home to teach. She worked hard to show her love by taking care of the gathering, providing her best efforts so that Jesus could do what he did best.Her efforts were well meant, well intentioned, and on some level - required by society’s expectations of her as a hostess and as a woman. Somehow, it turned sour in the moment. As she sat, doing what she wanted to do, what she needed to do, she got angry. Some part of Martha must have know that she could have walked into the other room and joined her sister at the feet of Jesus. But unlike Mary, she didn’t.

While thinking on this Gospel reading, I remembered a story that my friend, the Rev. David Meginniss, shared in a sermon. David is the co director of Special Session at Camp McDowell, a week long session for adults with mental and physical disabilities. Young adults volunteer to come and serve as counselors and are always changed for the better by the experience. David talked about how, when Kee (his fellow director) had to leave camp for a family emergency, he was thrown into the hot seat, solo. He was more than capable of handling the responsibility, but found himself running around camp with his watch and clipboard, trying to be everywhere at once, to keep everything running smoothly. He loves camp and everything that camp does - for the campers and for the counselors and staff. It was out of that love that David ran himself ragged to make sure it was a success. At some point, exhausted, stressed, and not having much fun - David finally woke up. He finally put down the clipboard and realized that God was there, the Holy Spirit was present in that moment in that special place and he, David, was missing it.

We live in a world of immediate and important tasks. There is actually a book out called “Having a Mary heart in a Martha World”. The dishes must, at some point, be washed, the car needs to be serviced, the grocery run must be made. We need to do our homework, write that email, walk the dog, update our facebook, pay that bill and empty the dishwasher. We do so much for the ones we love, and sometimes find ourselves - like Martha - quietly, almost shamefully bitter or angry about it. Jesus doesn’t defend our sense of martyrdom here. At the end of the day, attention to the moment, the miracle of life, and God’s presence is what is most important. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her. She broke free of the to do lists, the chores, and the expectations laid on her shoulders.

Jesus challenged Martha, and through this story - passed on for over a thousand years, challenges us, to find a way to see past all that . To widen our view so that that never ending to do list takes it’s proper, smaller place in life. Don’t miss out on the moment because you’re too busy making the moment happen. Don’t be blind to the miracles around you. We can’t get so focused on the details that we miss the glory of the kingdom. Our glimpses are so often fleeting and moments that can change your life are too easily missed. We forget, sometimes, that it’s okay to walk away from all those seemingly important things to do what is most needed and most important - to be present in the moment - to sit in a place of humility, love, and reverence at the feet of Christ and listen.

Afternoon in Paradise

What a beautiful day! The sun is out with a few cooling clouds - the breeze is blowing, and the deck is a happy place to be. Church was wonderful this morning. Even though I'm the new intern, today I got to be the "old pro" and help out our guest priest. We made it through the services without breaking anything, so I'd say we did okay. :)

Last night, Boyd and Joe arrived and we all sat around on the back deck talking, star gazing, and watching those hysterical multicolored flame torches that Boyd brought up from camp. After that was my first solid night's sleep in the new house - we're house sitting and the animals have consistently been waking me up throughout the night. Being exhausted helps sleep - the gin and tonic couldn't have hurt.

I'm still processing camp. Every year after camp, my mom asks me to tell her all about it and I can't. Not a thing comes to mind other than "it was wonderful, one of the best years we've had. Everyone had fun and the weather was fantastic." But I can sit around with camp friends and talk about it for hours. I guess that when I talk to people who were there, I don't have to introduce and explain everything. The context is there and we just chug away at the storytelling and laughing. Creating that context for someone who hasn't been there is a daunting task and probably impossible to really recreate. I'm struggling with that now in my sermon writing. I preach a week from today and want to work in a sweet story from camp. Whenever I hear Kee talk about camp, whenever we share stories in staff training... no explanations are necessary. We just jump in and tell it. The purpose of the story is clearly understood from the get go. I'll let you know how this turns out as I work on it.

While Blake and I are still very much in a serious state of limbo, we know a bit more about what lies ahead (short term, anyway). I put in my two week's notice with Donald and I accepted my job at Salem College back in the admissions office for my 7th recruiting season. Blake and I will live in Winston until mid to late October (depending on how long Whit and Ry can stand us invading their space) and he will continue to job hunt until something develops on that front. I'll continue my internship at St. Luke's in Boone by commuting a bit. The second overnight at Lake Logan is in October and that when I find out if (& where) I will be continuing on to seminary.

The beach house sold and we'll be heading down there for one last family trip. It's sad but we knew it had to happen eventually.

That's all for now, pray for some substance to come into my sermon notes this week!

love love love
Anne

New Wisdoms, New News

My mentors, friends, and supervisors have given me quite a bit to digest lately.

"You are not responsible for other people's feelings."

This one has remained with me because I can't quite get behind it 100%. But I understand the intent and purpose.


Jenny and Jimmy's wedding was amazing. Beautiful. Loving and fantastic. I was so glad to be a part of that sacrament and celebration. Jenny - you were radiant and glowing with joy! I wish them both the very best in their life together and look forward to bugging them every step of the way! :)



Yesterday (was Sunday really only yesterday!?) was my first day as an intern at St. Luke's Episcopal Church. It was FANTASTIC! I arrived at 7am and vested for the early service. I participated in both services and learned about the liturgy specific to that congregation, the altar guild, the flower guild, the inner workings of the current vestry, and spoke with some of our outreach leaders. It is interesting how different it feels to come into a new parish in vestments, designated as someone discerning a call to ordained ministry. I think I like it - a lot. :)




On a somewhat hilarious note: as I was familiarizing myself with St Luke's website i clicked on the "discussions" link to see what sorts of conversations are happening within the community. I still don't know how I'm going to break it to my new rector that the discussions board is nothing but 1300 pages of porn. And I wish I was making that up. As a matter of fact, if you search for "St. Lukes's Boone," the third hit on Google is clearly porn. Holy crappola - talk about an awkward meeting in my future.




Finally, Blake and I are packing and preparing for our big move. We still don't know where we'll be but we won't be here any more. Our stuff is carefully labeled as we pack and will live in storage as long as necessary. Blake and I are house sitting in Blowing Rock for the month of July and we'll see where we go from there... We are well loved and welcomed in many places so I know we won't be homeless :) I think that I have finally found a healthy place of surrender to God's plan in this part of my life. Blake and I are doing everything we can and should do - there is no point in worrying beyond that.

We're looking forward to Special Session in two weeks! It will be so wonderful to go home to our SS family.

Oh, Mom!

Just to share this quickly, my mom posted this story earlier this morning. I cracked up - Enjoy!


"Once again the twins (age 2) put me in my place today. Calvin comes to work with me, and the girls just dote on him. Sometimes, however, they refer to him as 'she' and sometimes as 'he'. Today, always looking for teachable moments, I asked the girls if Calvin was a boy or a girl. Delia looked horrified and replied, "He's a PUPPY"! :)"
-Marjorie Donovan

Awake

Lake Logan Episcopal Center

It's almost one in the morning and I'm awake. Awake and alive and, apparently, anxious. I can't stop eating (rest easy, i switched my snacking some hours ago to celery sticks), cleaning, and prepping for the weekend. I'm currently printing directions, important phone numbers, the agenda, and all that personality stuff i had to do for the overnight coming up this Friday. I have to be at Lake Logan by 10am (at least three hours away) and we will be done by 10am Saturday morning. Priests work on Sundays, so Fri/Sat is there weekend :)

As I was prepping, cleaning, eating celery, and printing - I received this parish email from our priest, Rick, at St. Mary's:

Hey friends.

It's been a little wierd with Greta and Beth Lawler gone. I've been running around doing dog and family stuff in addition to work and my annual physical. This Friday and Saturday I'll be with the Commission on Ministry serving as their chaplain as they discern vocation with Anne Clark and a couple of other candidates. This is Anne's first overnight. She'll be interviewed, poked and proded a bit, and prayed with. Then the COM will decide whether she can continue the process. Bill Devereux serves on the Commision as well as Jeanne Finan. So keep Anne in your prayers.

[...]

Keep all of our travelers in your prayers.


Lot's up. As always.

God be praised!
Rick

It's amazing how good it feels to know that there are people out there praying for you and your journey, specifically and generally.

A lot is going to happen in those 24 hours a Lake Logan. I'm anxious about going to a new facility in a new area with new people, but I'm also energized and very much looking forward to this opportunity for spiritual growth and discernment.

Please keep me in your prayers, as well. Love love love




MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

that tight, icky feeling in my chest...

Typically, what I'd do now is go to church and sit for awhile until the whole stressed feeling passes. But Blake is delivering his mom to Kingsport, TN with the car so here I am instead.

Donald quit his volunteer job today. I brought him lunch, as usual, at twelve thirty. He asked me to wait - I sat in a chair outside Shari's office, and the next thing I know, I hear him resigning his position. He asks me to pack up his lunch and call his bus. We then proceed to remove all of his personal belongings from his office while everyone looks on, clueless as the what the heck we were doing and why. I had no idea what was happening but it felt awful. I've actually gotten to know everyone there pretty well. This was abrupt and very uncomfortable. When asked if he would still come by to visit every now and then, Donald's response was "no, probably not. but if you ever want to say hello, you know where I live."

I come to find out that the straw that broke Donald's back was that they put up a table and chairs with a sign that said "wait here until someone comes to assist you" in the hallway, while he was out, without consulting him. There's a bit more to it (what Donald read into the situation) but that was pretty much it. And he quit. So my job has now become more one-on-one patient care. Which is exhausting & I should be paid a heck of a lot more for but, oh, well. We're moving in a couple of months anyway.

On another note, my Jeep needs more work done on the transmission so that sucks. We need a working vehicle and neither one is reliable at this point. We've rented a car to get us to Richmond to pick up the Jeep this Friday b/c Blake's car won't make it.

At some point, when we know where we're going and what our income will be, we can make some major decisions about the cars and (hopefully) we'll get rid of them both and buy one RELIABLE vehicle. But for now, we've just got to keep our heads above the water until some more of this limbo stuff ends.

Limbo sucks, but it's where growth can occur. If you're never in limbo, it means that nothing in your life is changing and that probably sucks more in the long run.

It's amazing how our lives follow the church calendar. I'm living in Holy Saturday, preparing and planning and waiting for the Easter part of life to come back around. Easter will come, and then the cycle will go on again and again. We will celebrate new birth, we will prepare, we will come to a point where we are all "set" and be able to share our gospels, we will give and take, we will fast and do without, and we will experience all kinds of deaths, we will wait in Holy Saturday's limbo, and we will celebrate the rejuvenation, energy, and joy of our Easters.


love love love

life's little accomplishments

Salem c/o 2008 Alumnae Notes... done
Bachelorette Party #1... check
Girl's Mountain Weekend... exquisite and done
Bachelorette Party #2... check
Wedding 1 of 3 this season... wonderful and over
Spiritual autobiography and other paperwork for discernment... done
Blake's school... done
clean house... done
dishes... done
Quality Time with my hubby... check
next phase of my quilt... done
first loaf fresh from our new breadmaker... done and smelling absolutely fantastic

Spring is always glorious but man, is it busy! It is almost all wonderful stuff that I am excited about and wouldn't give up for anything in the world, I just have to be careful to take care of myself and our relationship in the little spaces between.

For the next few weeks... The in-laws will be in town this weekend for Blake's graduation, our apartment is being shown again (lease fell through for the person we thought would get it after us), this weekend I'll be heading to Chapel Hill for an amazing bridal shower (so excited!!!) and next weekend Blake and I will head up to Richmond, VA to visit Mikey and get my Jeep. The following weekend, I'll head to the mountains for the Discernment Overnight with the Commission on Ministry and the Bishop. Blake's on the job hunt and researching for his thesis (which he'll finish this summer). I'm starting to get Donald ready for the transition when I leave this fall and boxing up the house. We're thinking about a yard sale or something just before we move to get rid of some of our excess material possesions (aka, crap).

The last two nights in a row, i slept 12 and 11 hours, respectively. I think I'm ready for round two!

Enneagram Test

As part of the discernment process in the Western North Carolina Diocese, all aspirants are required to take an Enneagram test - a type of personality test. I was predominantly a type 2 (The Helper) with types 1 (the Reformer), 3 (The Achiever), and 6 (the Loyalist), all tying for second place. Pretty interesting test, to be sure. There were pages and pages of information about Twos but I just copied the introduction to the description.

Generally, Twos are caring, empathetic, warm, thoughtful, appreciative, generous, other-oriented, tactile, affectionate, well intentioned, and demonstrative.

Twos get into conflicts by being people-pleasing, flattering, ingratiating, clingy, worried, possessive, insincere, seductive, self-important, and self-deceptive.

At their best, Twos are encouraging, loving, self-nurturing, constant, joyous, humble, forgiving, gracious, and compassionate.

Recognizing Twos

Type Two exemplifies the desire to feel loved, to connect with others in a heartfelt way, and to be a source of benevolence and love in our world. Twos are easily the most people-oriented of the Enneagram types. They focus on relationship and feel best about themselves when they are meaningfully engaged with others. They want to share the good in their lives and genuinely enjoy supporting others with their attention and care. Insofar as they can, Twos make good things happen for people. They will stay up late to take care of children or older folks, drive across town to bring food, or see to it that others get medical treatment. When there is practical work to be done for others, healthy Twos will be there, throwing themselves into the effort heart and soul.

Twos are genuinely interested in other people and in the details of their lives. They remember to send birthday and holiday cards long after their friends have moved away. They also remember your spouse's name and the names of your children and pets—plus who has which allergies and what their major was in college. Twos are the first in the kitchen after a party to help out with the cleanup. At the office, Twos have a bowl of candy or a tin of cookies at their desk—not for themselves, but for anyone who drops by to chat. They are constantly thinking of others, and they try to do nice things so that others will think well of them.

Maundy Thursday

What a beautiful service. Even if it was two hours long... A beautiful liturgy, touching sermon, foot washing, & the stripping and washing of the sanctuary and alter. On Maundy Thursday, we celebrate the last supper and remember Judas' betrayal. The Eucharist at this service always means so much more to me. It really hits home how important this must be to Jesus, that he shared one last meal with his disciples - his brothers - before knowingly going to his death. Father Bob used to take us Salem ladies out to eat for fellowship and a good meal away from Salem's kitchens. He had taken many trips to Israel and loved to tell us about how, in the Holy land, sharing a meal meant that you are forever family with those your shared it with. Now picture every Christian in every denomination taking communion Sunday after Sunday (or any other Holy celebration) - spanning back for thousands of years. We are all connected - to each other today and to our ancestors and the first disciples - through this final meal with Christ. We are all family in Him and through his Eucharist.

Before sharing a final meal with his disciples, Jesus washed their feet, against their protest. I can just hear them, "The Son of God shouldn't be washing my feet! Please, Lord, allow me to wash yours instead." It's so much more comfortable to be the servant in this case.

As I walked up to the front of the church with my bare feet, I realized that I would be so much more comfortable washing other's feet than having mine washed by someone else. Sitting there, being cared for in that way by our priest with nothing to give in return... it's uncomfortable. I thought about how much I love Special Session at Camp McDowell and how much that week in service to another in Christ means to me. I am attached to that high and sense of self worth that comes with taking care of another. I take care of Donald, I take care of my friends, I take care of Blake and my family. It's how I show my love and how I make myself feel worthy of their love and care. Even when I'm being taken care of, I sit there and feel guilty about it. "I really should be helping." "I can do that faster and save them time." "It really should be me."

How would it feel to spend a whole week as a camper? Would I spend my time feeling guilty? Trying to think of ways to even the score, to make myself worthy of my counselor's attention? Is that how some of our high functioning campers feel? What peace of mind, sense of self, or entitlement allows us to be served in such a seemingly one-way relationship? (Of course we know that this relationship is anything but one way, but that's for another day) What if allowing ourselves to be served, to be cared for, is really just allowing ourselves to be loved? I think that's really hard for me. Just accepting free, agape love for who I am, as I am, where I am.

It is appropriate that I spend some time with this particular struggle today because on Maundy Thursday, we also remember Jesus' command to us all. (John 13:34) "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." Love. We must love one another - the rich, the poor, the sick, the old, the young, the annoying, the beautiful, the skinny, the fat, the ugly, the petty, the crazy, the dirty, the preps, the homeless, the geeks, the athiests, the Hindu, the Muslims, the priests, the Baptists, the Episcopalians, the evangelical, the misguided, the pedophiles, the adulterers, the bullies, the kind-hearted, the proud, and the meek. Even those who would betray Christ, we are called in this commandment to love. We aren't called to discern WHO to love, who deserves to be loved, or who should be judged instead. We are just commanded to LOVE. Freely and unceasingly.

We are not only called to love one another, but to accept that love from each other and from God. We can't pour out of ourselves forever and never run dry. We have to accept the love and caring and kindness of those around us - strangers, God, and friends. Find some time this week to sit with God and just be. Don't ask for anything, don't thank Him for anything. Just sit before him in loving silence and wordlessly turn over whatever burdens you drag around for him to lovingly carry for you for even those few minutes.



John 13
(Jesus Washes His Disciples' Feet)
1It was just before the Passover Feast. Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love.[a]

2The evening meal was being served, and the devil had already prompted Judas Iscariot, son of Simon, to betray Jesus. 3Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God; 4so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. 5After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples' feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.

6He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, "Lord, are you going to wash my feet?"

7Jesus replied, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

8"No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet."
Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."

9"Then, Lord," Simon Peter replied, "not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!"

10Jesus answered, "A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean, though not every one of you." 11For he knew who was going to betray him, and that was why he said not every one was clean.

12When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. "Do you understand what I have done for you?" he asked them. 13"You call me 'Teacher' and 'Lord,' and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. 15I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16I tell you the truth, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

(Jesus Predicts His Betrayal)
18"I am not referring to all of you; I know those I have chosen. But this is to fulfill the scripture: 'He who shares my bread has lifted up his heel against me.'[b]

19"I am telling you now before it happens, so that when it does happen you will believe that I am He. 20I tell you the truth, whoever accepts anyone I send accepts me; and whoever accepts me accepts the one who sent me."

21After he had said this, Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, "I tell you the truth, one of you is going to betray me."

22His disciples stared at one another, at a loss to know which of them he meant. 23One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to him. 24Simon Peter motioned to this disciple and said, "Ask him which one he means."

25Leaning back against Jesus, he asked him, "Lord, who is it?"

26Jesus answered, "It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish." Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas Iscariot, son of Simon. 27As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him.

"What you are about to do, do quickly," Jesus told him, 28but no one at the meal understood why Jesus said this to him. 29Since Judas had charge of the money, some thought Jesus was telling him to buy what was needed for the Feast, or to give something to the poor. 30As soon as Judas had taken the bread, he went out. And it was night.

(Jesus Predicts Peter's Denial)
31When he was gone, Jesus said, "Now is the Son of Man glorified and God is glorified in him. 32If God is glorified in him,[c] God will glorify the Son in himself, and will glorify him at once.

33"My children, I will be with you only a little longer. You will look for me, and just as I told the Jews, so I tell you now: Where I am going, you cannot come.

34"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

36Simon Peter asked him, "Lord, where are you going?"
Jesus replied, "Where I am going, you cannot follow now, but you will follow later."

37Peter asked, "Lord, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you."

38Then Jesus answered, "Will you really lay down your life for me? I tell you the truth, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times!

Asheville Day Trip

Made it to Asheville today to meet with Bishop Porter Taylor. Two hours there, one hour meeting, one hour phone shopping, two hours home and there you have it - a whole day! The meeting went really well. It started off pretty official and heavy with some probing spiritual questions (like, "how has your understanding of your call to the ministry changed since participating in the PLDC?" and "Who is Jesus for you?") We worked our way into more casual, comfortable territory as we continued to talk and by the time I left, we were cracking each other up. :) I've been invited to attend the May overnight (probably with about eight other aspirants and the Commission on Ministry) which will be May 21-22 at Lake Logan. After the overnight, if I'm still in the game, I have six months to do the following: 6mo internship, psychological exam, physical exam, Myers Briggs, etc. Is it sick that I'm really enjoying this process? :)haha! I've heard it described as the longest low-hurdle race you'll ever run, and like a minefield full of hoops to jump through. I think I enjoy it because I really need this time to wrap my head around the idea of me as a priest. The call finds you, even if you're not really ready to imagine yourself there. This gives me a process, a checklist, a calendar and a plan. I can organize my route and have a system of evaluators in place to reinforce me along God's path. Thy will be done, not mine... the feedback helps me feel like this really is what I SHOULD be doing rather than just what I WANT to do.

Thanks for the love and support. What will be, will be! One thing's for sure, I can't be anyone other than me... and I don't want to be. If this is right, then it'll happen. If not, I've got something else wonderful out there waiting for me.

He made us this way for a reason...

This is a rant. I was so frustrated after our church dinner group that I came home and vented. I didn't publish it right away b/c i knew I was pretty steamed and venting. I decided to go ahead and upload it because it's how I felt at the time,and probably still feel now - even if I would say it with a bit less heat. As you can tell, it was a pretty intense discussion... :)

Dear ____,

Do you know her story? Where she came from? What she came through? How can you honestly sound so disgusted? You sit there and talk about God and morals but you don't mean it the way you sound, all convinced that the world thinks the way you do. You are holding her up to your own moral code. Even if the world (and God) believed as you do, do you ever make mistakes? Would you like to be cast out for them because I, or anyone else, deem them too large? Your condemnation and judgment is ugly. This is an opportunity for discussion and progress; a test of your faith, your love, and your forgiveness. If nobody ever made a mistake, the world would become stagnant.
You say it's different because she's a role model, because it's church. Do all role models, then, have to hide away their imperfections, their embarrassments? sweep it under the carpet and keep it all a shameful secret? What if it's not an embarrassment to her? What if she's excited about this? What if she's ready? And church! Kick her while she's down because it's CHURCH!? Do we really hold people at church to that unattainable saintly standard just because it's church? Are we all supposed to walk around covering our sins and putting on a pure white mask of Godly perfection in God's house? What better place for screw ups than church. Please, tell me. Isn't that where we can all go, no matter how low we feel?

What would happen if you just loved her. Imagined her as your child instead of imagining your child like her. Would you hold her? Tell her it's all okay and she's loved no matter what? Even if you are disappointed.

If you really think about your life, and every decision you ever made - even if it all turned out okay - are you not a screw up too? And who gets to decide what is "right" anyway? Shouldn't that be left up to the big guy? Maybe this is exactly right for her.

Kee talks at camp about the Kingdom of God. Nobody gets kicked out, no matter what. God doesn't love you any less because you're imperfect. He made you that way.

Parish Lay Discernment Committee

The PLDC is finally done! Six moths went by so fast... I was recommended to continue in the process and feel very honored by the narrative of support they sent to the bishop's office. I meet with Bishop Porter Taylor on March 30th in Asheville. After that, it's two overnights, an internship, some paperwork, and seminary.

In other news, I'm super excited about a "Big Sis, Lil Sis" weekend in Boone with Beka and Amanda! This weekend is Palm Sunday and I'm very excited to share my church with them on this special holiday - the choir has some amazing music planned (like Crucifixus (Lotti) and O vos omnes (by Casals))!

It's supposed to snow tonight. ugh. But I think Blake and I will live it up one more time for the season and go skiing together. :) He's so amazing on the snowboard now! We have a blast on the mountain together.

I talk all the time about Donald's artwork (pottery and cards). It is amazing! I finally figured out how to get photos off of my cell phone so there are some images of his work on Facebook.

My Jeep is in the shop in Richmond... again. Say a prayer for that beloved heap of junk and my poor brother who has to find rides to and from work until it's out again.

Blake and I are officially living in Boone for the summer - Blake working at App and finishing his thesis; me working for Donald and enjoying another summer of flexibility and travel. Unless a nice job pops up, this is the plan. (haha- PLAN. we all know how those turn out.)

That seems like a pretty good update for now :) Wedding crazyness starts again - I love my ladies and I love weddings so it'll be a good (if ridiculously crazy) spring. :)


Some work by Donald

Beauty and Love Abound

Oh, the beach! I love this place, I love this family. The Dentons plus Donovans plus significant others plus a few Donovan cousins and a childhood best friend or two. Life is so good! For example, yesterday I spent five hours on the beach surrounded by this loving group of people. We fished, walked, played with the puppy, drank beer, napped, read and enjoyed the sunshine. We turned in around four for cocktails, games, showers, and dinner - followed by more games and story telling. This morning, we all woke up together (as nineteen people in a small, carpetless house are bound to d0) and sat around welcoming the rainy day with coffee and tea. More story telling, more laughter... now I'm sitting here with my cross-stitching listening to the chatter and games and Thomas on the guitar - Esta and Kim are in the kitchen making the eggs to go with our Kegs and Eggs celebration (about to begin... the last one to the table is the beer bitch so I have to run).

We are so blessed, we are so loved.

Soak it all up!

XOXOXOXOXO

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...

I can't wait for the beach. I don't quite understand why this winter seemed so long - except that our first snow was October 17th and it's still snowing now... in March. Last weekend, I glimpsed what life will be like when winter is finally over and I am READY! Freckles, smiles, sitting on back porches, natural light in the house, walks, and that tight, warm feeling that your skin gets when it's been in the sun all day. Even better than the natural light, Vitamin D, and energy we get from the sun - the solitude of winter is almost over! The snow and cold keeps most of us indoors and we get plenty of down time on the couch with a cup of tea and a novel or two. We go into social hibernation and, while nice for awhile, I'm so ready to wake up! Off to Florida we go...





You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy,
When skies are gray.
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you.
Please don't take,
My sunshine away.

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them and try to follow them."
-Louisa May Alcott

Snow

More. Snow. We've had over 75 inches of snow so far this winter and no sign of it stopping any time soon. I love the snow and the inevitable snow day, but I'm getting a little tired of having my plans canceled, missing friends, and missing so many hours at work. Come Hell or high water, Blake and I are leaving Boone this weekend to see our dear friends in Chapel Hill! I am so blessed by my friends - I miss you all and can't wait for this winter to end so I can get back to seeing you all regularly!!!

Secret Prayers

Earlier I posted the Gospel reading from our Ash Wednesday service. This particular reading made me think of so much - all in a few short sentences. Matthew 6:5-8 hits the nail on the head when it comes to confronting some of my religious prejudices and my prayer life. I hope to really meditate on it for the next few days.

5"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ⁶But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. ⁷And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. ⁸Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."

Matthew and I find it annoying when people pray and do kind works more to show others how holy they are than to actually worship God or do good. I often feel uncomfortable with public prayer because it is so personal and I feel so vulnerable. I feel almost cheap when I pray for the benefit of a group, trying to show everyone how thoughtful I am and cover all the right things. It makes me nervous (imagine how silly it is to be nervous talking to God! but then again, if it was just God, I wouldn't be nervous... but i'm off on a parenthetical tangent) and takes so much away from the experience because it's not just between me and the big guy anymore, and people can be so judgmental (myself included, of course).

Prayer is a private conversation between me and God and can be done through complete silence. Our Father knows what we need, what we want to share, long before we take the time to put the words together. It is the act of taking the time to give to God, spending time acknowledging him and listening, that is the most important part of my prayer life.

Ladders and Lent

Ash Wednesday
Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21
1"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. 2 "So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.5 "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 6 But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
16 "When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 17 But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18 so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 19 "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I attended the children's service today for Ash Wednesday and it was a wonderful, unforgettable experience full of priceless moments that only children can provide. Before sharing our Gospel reading for the day, Rick asked one of the children what she prayed about and she responded "It's a secret." How appropriate! Rick was also cheerfully informed, by a four year old, that Rick found army crawling around the front of the church difficult because he's so old. Oh, children - PRICELESS!

At the begining of his sermon, Rick wanted to prepare the kids for the above icon, Saint John Climacus' "The Ladder of Divine Ascent" by explaining that it may be a little scary. One child pointed at the stained glass window to her left, a depiction of Christ on the cross, and said "is it that"? A little surprised by this astute little learner, Rick reassured her that it is not that scary. "Actually, that's probably the scariest thing we have in church, this is much less scary." The Ladder of Divine Ascent is a wonderful icon depicting, in most part, our spiritual journey to God and all that encompasses. It symbolizes the struggle of climbing and progressing in our spiritual lives despite gravity and the little demon-like creatures with pitchforks trying to make us stumble, slip, and fall. If you want to know more, Wikipedia does a pretty good job: John Climacus. This icon will be on display at my church for all of the Lenten season and I hope to pray with it more.

The children added so much and drew my attention to even the simplest things in our service that I take for granted. More on the reading later, I just didn't want to forget some of what those kids added to the day!

The Gift of Doubt

Last night, as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, a song from my childhood came back to haunt me. "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly would not stop playing in my head. Via my ADD brain waves, this led me to consider belief, faith, doubt, and certainty and all they encompass and mean to me. So often we are certain about things. I am certain that the snow outside my door is cold and white. I am certain that my car is red, my sweater soft, my intentions good. I doubt more than I am certain of and have decided that doubt is a true gift.

I doubt almost everything that I cannot see and touch for myself, and some that I can. I doubt other people's words, our expectations for that which is outside the boundaries of our solar system, whether or not leggings should ever double for pants, and occasionally, I doubt the divinity of the man Jesus. Doubt is not, in my vocabulary, meant to be confused with disbelief. Without some doubt, though, is there room for faith? If we are absolutely certain about something, do we cheat ourselves out of the ability to have faith in that same something? That sounds all very convoluted when I read it back. There isn't really an easy way to say it yet; how about this:

What a gift is faith. We don't have to KNOW anything about God, the nature of the universe or man. We aren't weighted with ultimate knowledge and understanding. We don't understand how the world works and God's role in it - and this is a good thing! I don't know exactly what God's will for my life is - but I have faith that the "desire to please Him pleases Him." I don't KNOW that Jesus is the holy son of God, but I have faith. What amazing weight is lifted off of our shoulders with the unburdening truth that we just don't know everything and we're not supposed to. We weren't made to and we don't have to. We can cherish our doubts and have faith. We don't have to embrace the certainty that often leads to judgment and condemnation. (For example, if I'm certain my car is red, and a lady in the parking lot says it's purple, I'm pretty sure that on some level I'm judging her as either color blind or crazy.) We are called, instead, to live each day the best we know how. To love one another and care for this beautiful world. To continue in a pursuit of knowledge but to maintain that constant doubt that allows us to be humble, wrong, and faithful.

I was reminded of doubt and uncertainty and how that translates in worship this past Sunday in Fr. Rick's sermon. He said that "Praising God on a Sunday morning acknowledges so much: life as mystery, God as good, our own limitations and dependence on a power greater than ourselves. When we make this simple act of coming to worship on a Sunday morning we are doing a radical thing. We’re admitting we don’t have all the answers and must stay humbly oriented to reality. We’re acknowledging that we need help, each other’s help, and the help of our mothers and fathers in the faith. We’re carving out a time, a moment in the week, when we orient ourselves,together around a table, around a common meal, sharing a common prayer."

I'll leave you with one of my favorite prayers...

Thomas Merton's Prayer
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"


*"To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways; we do not know what a day may bring forth. This is generally said with a sigh of sadness; it should rather be an expression of breathless expectation." Oswald Chambers
*Added Feb 17, 2010

Hello World!

I'm curious how this will work. I had a blog, of sorts, in college and it was a good pre-facebook outlet for keeping everyone the loop on my life and mental status without having to fill each and every person in individually. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that's cheating, but it worked. Now, I just feel the need to write. I'm not really sure what this will be for or what it will turn into. It may be the newest (and most high tech) addition to my mostly empty journal collection. I'm going to try to start a habit of writing somewhat regularly. A friend of mine who's almost as much of a worrywart as me suggested that I sit down with myself every Saturday and take an hour alone to write whatever came onto the page. It may be spiritual, emotional, fictional, pictorial, rambling, or just plain strange... but I think it's a good suggestion to try out.